Food has my heart...

Flashback: it’s another Friday night…I’ve spent many weekends like this, and tonight is no different…I’m alone, but my stash of sugar and carbs is keeping me company. It’s times like these where I consider food my best friend. I’ve put in a movie and I quickly get absorbed in the life I wish was mine…the romantic comedy love story seems just like the life I want to live. Depending on the night, my assortment of food varies: Doritos, pizza, garlic bread, starbursts, Cheetos, fruit snacks, mt. dew, ice cream, juice, breadsticks, fries, tootsie pops, bubble gum, root beer, skittles, cookie dough, costa vida…The list is endless. I get lost in the tastes and sensations of the delicious calories: The saltiness of the fries; the creamy cold ice cream that goes down so smoothly; the contrast of the costa vida sweet pork salad between the savory, tender, sweet meat and the spicy, tangy dressing; the cheesy doritos; juicy chewy starbursts; the ticklish sensation of the carbonation in the sugar filled sodas…it’s easy to isolate myself when you have such treats that will never let you down. The flavors make my taste buds dance. Between getting lost in the fictional story of the perfect blonde who falls in a perfect relationship with the perfect man, and getting lost in the tastes of perfect scrumptious sweets and carbohydrates, it’s a perfect night…

I’ve been addicted to food my entire life…focusing activities around food and treats, getting more excited about the food and sugar than the actual event itself. I’d hide food hoping that nobody would find my secret stashes. Sneaking around for food was a thrill…and so was the sweet victory of not getting caught and enjoying my candy alone. I use food as a source of comfort, celebration, and reward. I am literally a slave to refined sugar and simple carbohydrates. I am addicted similarly to the way alcoholics and drug addicts are addicted…I’ll do anything for a hit…Just one more hit that will get my heart pumping , adrenaline rushing, mind racing. Food has my heart…and I know that if I keep up these ways, it will literally take my heart away. This is a dangerous path. I can’t help but ask myself, where am I headed…and what is my final destination?

Flash forward: I’m alone once again…but this time I’m miserable. I still have my food, but I’ve realized that food is actually my enemy…not my friend; it has turned its back on me, and turned me into something I’m humiliated to admit to being. I’m morbidly obese and at extreme dangers of heart disease, diabetes, and other health risks related to obesity. I can barely move; days are spent on the couch or in my bed. I consume so many calories each day that I’m gaining weight at unbelievable rates. My current state of living has destroyed relationships and made me pull away from my family and friends. I’m ashamed of the life I’ve created for myself. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I’m alone and depressed, living a wretched life with no purpose. I’m literally waiting for a heart attack to take my life…

Ok, so maybe my life won’t take such a drastic turn…but who’s to say it won’t? I’m on a path that only has one destination: unhappiness. If I continue these ways, I know I will never be truly happy. I will be a prisoner of food forever. I must change my ways now. I want a life full of purpose and meaning…filled with relationships other than the relationship I have with food. I believe the only way I will ever achieve that is if I focus my time, energy, and life around getting healthy now. Change can be scary, especially when you’ve lived your whole life a certain way. I’m terrified...but this year is the year I am going to change my life. 2011 is my year and I will be healthier and learn to love myself. It’s going to be the most difficult journey of my life….It won’t be easy…but it will be worth it.

G to the 3rd power

My love for garlic Bread, Gatorade, and Gushers has created somewhat of a silly 'Tradition'. A few times last year, my craving for such yummy carbs lead me to the local grocery store on a Sunday. Cori, Amber and Carrie tagged along for their own treats, but I was kind enough to share my delicious purchases. Before we knew it, we were taking Sunday outings more often than we probably should have been, to buy Garlic bread, Gushers, and Gatorade...ergo, G3 Sundays. We didn't intend to make it a tradition, but somehow, the name, and activity stuck. Every now and then, we get together for a G3 reunion. We spend what little cash we have on food that will be gone in a matter of hours...and Enjoy every second of it. Last week was no different. Cori and I were both home from school, so naturally we had to get together. Cori, Carrie, and I made our usual trip to Fresh Market, grabbed our goods and were on our way. We made a few changes in beverages, and left out the gushers cause we're too poor, but it didn't change the tradition too much. We enjoyed our Garlic bread and drinks a little too much, and got a little too crazy tryin to find stuff to keep us entertained....but it was just like old times. G3.

♪ Notable Expressions ♪

♫ Got a closet filled top to the brim with the ghosts of my past and the skeletons ~ all my memories have escaped myself, or confused themselves with dreams ~when I hold up a mirror to my life sometimes I don’t find who I was hoping to see ~ The only thing that matters is just following your heart, and eventually you’ll finally get it right ~ days go by, I can feel ‘em flyin like a hand out the window in the wind ~ when I hold up a mirror to my life sometimes I don’t find who I was hoping to see ~ ready or not the years are blurring~there is a place where the past doesn’t cast any shadows…take me there ~ everything is gonna be alright, be strong believe ~ Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out, the edge of a canyon, with only one way down ~ Just cause you have a picture doesn’t mean it fits the frame ~have you ever wanted to reach your dreams? Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems? ~ Who I am hates who I’ve been ~ Maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year ~ working at dead end jobs and skipping class, spending hours on my ass, just doesn’t sound like any fun to me ~ now I’m heels over head, I’m hanging upside down~ I believe that everything happens for a reason, we’re not just tossed by the wind and left in the hands of fate ~ Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings, And desire and love and empty things, Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days ~ Men Are like shoes ~ Take time to realize ~I wanna man who stands beside me, not in front of or behind me~ Do you ever feel like you’re alone, do you ever wish to be unknown? I can say that I have ~ it takes one step at a time, there’s no need rush ~ Someone somewhere…” ~ Every change, life has thrown me,I'm thankful, for every break in my heart, I'm grateful, for every scar, Some pages turned, Some bridges burned, But there were lessons learned. ~ sometimes we forget to look around us, sometimes we can’t see the joy that surrounds us ~I’m through with these pills that make me sit still ~ Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives ~ life’s only as good as the memories we make ♫

The most wonderful time of the year

The seasons have come and gone, and before I've realized it, autumn has faded and it's the holidays again. Christmas is in less then a week. I've been thinking about past Christmas's lately, and can't help but wonder what has changed. Where has the magic gone? Why has the excitement faded? Why does it feel like it's just another time of the year? Maybe it's because the whole meaning of Christmas has been lost behind the toys and lights, trees and gifts. It could be because we've lost traditions and forgotton about the importance of the season. There's also the possibility that I've lost the spirit of Christmas through the lack of money, therefore the lack of giving. Or maybe it's just the simple fact that I've grown up. I've come to realize that the magic and spirit of Christmas doesn't just automatically come...it sits at your heart and knocks....waiting for you to open the door and let it in. I must focus on the True meaning of Christmas and surround myself with family, friends, love, traditions, and gratitude for the birth of our Savior. He is truly what this time of year is about. It is far too easy to forget. But we must always remember: "The magic of Christmas isn't in the presents, but in His presence."

Who I Am

I live life day to day, trying not to focus so much on the past, but trying to focus only on the present and the things that get me through every day. Simple things make up who I am...because it's the little things that add up to make me... me . The basis of my life? laughter . "A day without laughter is a day wasted." To me, laughter can change anything and everything. Family and friends are more important to me than anything else in the entire world. I live by quotes that explain my life, and music that expresses things I cannot express myself. Photography is my passion and someday I will travel the world to take pictures of this beautiful place we live in. I ♥ simple things like bubble gum and slurpees. I live for summer nights, driving around with the windows rolled down, listening to 'feel good' music so loud that I can't even hear myself sing. To some people, swinging is a childhood past time, but for me, it'll always be one of my favorite things. I could eat peanut butter sandwiches for every meal. There's nothing better than reminiscing old memories with friends. I believe Love is the most powerful thing in the world. I love stars ★. When it comes to gifts, I'd much rather give than receive. My mom is the most incredible woman in the world, and she will always be my hero. Thunderstorms are my favorite. Besides my family, I could count the people who I truly love and trust on one hand. Most of the time, I am out of control and random and will do anything for a good laugh...This is only a tiny glimpse of my life. In the end, it all comes down to one thing: I am me....simply, perfectly imperfect. So you can take me as I am, or watch me as I go. This....is ME.