Food has my heart...

Flashback: it’s another Friday night…I’ve spent many weekends like this, and tonight is no different…I’m alone, but my stash of sugar and carbs is keeping me company. It’s times like these where I consider food my best friend. I’ve put in a movie and I quickly get absorbed in the life I wish was mine…the romantic comedy love story seems just like the life I want to live. Depending on the night, my assortment of food varies: Doritos, pizza, garlic bread, starbursts, Cheetos, fruit snacks, mt. dew, ice cream, juice, breadsticks, fries, tootsie pops, bubble gum, root beer, skittles, cookie dough, costa vida…The list is endless. I get lost in the tastes and sensations of the delicious calories: The saltiness of the fries; the creamy cold ice cream that goes down so smoothly; the contrast of the costa vida sweet pork salad between the savory, tender, sweet meat and the spicy, tangy dressing; the cheesy doritos; juicy chewy starbursts; the ticklish sensation of the carbonation in the sugar filled sodas…it’s easy to isolate myself when you have such treats that will never let you down. The flavors make my taste buds dance. Between getting lost in the fictional story of the perfect blonde who falls in a perfect relationship with the perfect man, and getting lost in the tastes of perfect scrumptious sweets and carbohydrates, it’s a perfect night…

I’ve been addicted to food my entire life…focusing activities around food and treats, getting more excited about the food and sugar than the actual event itself. I’d hide food hoping that nobody would find my secret stashes. Sneaking around for food was a thrill…and so was the sweet victory of not getting caught and enjoying my candy alone. I use food as a source of comfort, celebration, and reward. I am literally a slave to refined sugar and simple carbohydrates. I am addicted similarly to the way alcoholics and drug addicts are addicted…I’ll do anything for a hit…Just one more hit that will get my heart pumping , adrenaline rushing, mind racing. Food has my heart…and I know that if I keep up these ways, it will literally take my heart away. This is a dangerous path. I can’t help but ask myself, where am I headed…and what is my final destination?

Flash forward: I’m alone once again…but this time I’m miserable. I still have my food, but I’ve realized that food is actually my enemy…not my friend; it has turned its back on me, and turned me into something I’m humiliated to admit to being. I’m morbidly obese and at extreme dangers of heart disease, diabetes, and other health risks related to obesity. I can barely move; days are spent on the couch or in my bed. I consume so many calories each day that I’m gaining weight at unbelievable rates. My current state of living has destroyed relationships and made me pull away from my family and friends. I’m ashamed of the life I’ve created for myself. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I’m alone and depressed, living a wretched life with no purpose. I’m literally waiting for a heart attack to take my life…

Ok, so maybe my life won’t take such a drastic turn…but who’s to say it won’t? I’m on a path that only has one destination: unhappiness. If I continue these ways, I know I will never be truly happy. I will be a prisoner of food forever. I must change my ways now. I want a life full of purpose and meaning…filled with relationships other than the relationship I have with food. I believe the only way I will ever achieve that is if I focus my time, energy, and life around getting healthy now. Change can be scary, especially when you’ve lived your whole life a certain way. I’m terrified...but this year is the year I am going to change my life. 2011 is my year and I will be healthier and learn to love myself. It’s going to be the most difficult journey of my life….It won’t be easy…but it will be worth it.